Widow Speak

Kehar turned lazily in his bed. It was time he got out of bed and started getting ready for his big date this evening. His date, Arachnia, was one of the hottest chicks in college, and every guy wanted to go out with her. Of course getting a date with her wasn’t that hard since there weren’t a large number of guys in college, and the girls outnumbered the guys in a highly disproportionate ratio.

But now that Kehar had successfully asked her out, he was having second thoughts. Was the date going to be worth it? Even though he was in college, Kehar was still a virgin. He was good at his studies, excelled in sport, and was overall quite the young achiever, but he still hadn’t managed to get laid! As a kid Kehar had been a bit of a geek, and he had preferred his books to girls. This was what had saved him from sharing the fate of many of his male classmates, who never made it to college. But now with college nearing its end Kehar had taken more of an interest in his female classmates. Inside of him, his male hormones were raging. The fire of desire burned bright, but his was the wrong species to be male. Female widow spiders don’t take too kindly to post-coital snuggling; they prefer a nice meal instead!

Kehar walked downstairs to the kitchen and made himself a fly sandwich. He picked up the newspaper and skimmed through. The obituary section was overflowing - apparently there had been a carnival of sorts the previous night! Kehar saw Rachman’s mugshot among the dearly departed. Rachman was one of his friends, a rather smart young spider who seemed destined for a career in web research and architecture. He shook his head, he didn’t know whether to be happy for Rachman or not.

He looked up at the clock, he had an hour to go before he had to pick up Arachnia for a movie and dinner, (yes, it was common sense not to ask a girl out to dinner and a movie, cause then you wouldn’t make the movie!). He sat at the kitchen counter, staring at Rachman’s photo, not knowing whether to follow his head or his loins! He trudged back up to his room and put on his best clothes. A note fell out of his pocket. It was the note on which he had scribbled to Arachnia after mustering up the courage.

“Would you like to go out with me?” it said.

Behind it was the reply Arachnia had scrawled out, “I’d love to have you and your babies!”

He sighed as he picked up the heart shaped box of chocolate coated insects (assorted), that he had picked up for this very evening, and headed towards the door. He was going to get laid – he was dying to!